IF KATIE HOPKINS REALLY RULED THE WORLD

by Robyn Banks

Katie Hopkins’ new show, If Katie Hopkins ruled the world, debuted on TLC this Thursday 6th August. While a Mail article claimed that the show had trouble garnering any guests, Hopkins herself claimed that people were so desperate to align themselves to her overall image of petty hate and kneejerk reactions she had to turn people away, which doesn’t really explain why the first guests include a washed out daily fail columnist, a reality TV star and a woman so irrelevant she’s been denounced by even the darkest corners of feminism.

What can’t be disputed is that the show is certain to have many viewers, and while she lays claim to the title of most hated woman in Britain, people are lining up on twitter to congratulate her on her aura of radiating awfulness and to identify themselves with somebody who self-professed to be lacking in empathy to the point of possibly being a psychopath. “Well done for saying what everyone else is thinking”, they say, as they gaze at her adoringly like sick dogs on their last ever trip to the vets. Gemma Collins is one of those, who was recently quoted as saying she thinks Katie Hopkins would do a “good job” of running the world. She doesn’t want to let you leave your house, Gemma, let alone fly off for another ’The only way is Marbs’ without paying some kind of absurd ‘fat tax’, you absolute arse.

Like most technologically literate people who have things to do with themselves, I don’t pay to watch some backwater TV channel based on an outdated economic model of mugging people of their hard earned cash and giving them the likes of Honey Boo Boo as compensation, so I’ll have to make do with watching it some other and definitely-not-illegal way at a later date. But as we’re all dying to know what a world run by Katie Hopkins would be like, I thought we could examine some of the evidence, because we’re all so desperate to know, right?

We’ve covered her well known opinions on fat people; that they should either stay indoors or, if they insist on participating in public life like actual human people, be taxed heavily for it. This opinion seems to be based on the idea that they take up more space, are unhealthy and she doesn’t like the look of them, so I can only rationally assume that this policy would extend to the sick, the very tall and anybody whose face falls outside of a state sanctioned symmetrical template. Then there’s her idea that dementia patients take up too many hospital beds, so I suppose we’ll immediately release everybody whose illness isn’t physical from hospitals across the country. And then lock them in their homes. The resulting death toll would probably solve our housing crisis, too.

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Migration, of course, is a big no. Hopkins sickened the world and inadvertently displayed her dire need for a history lesson by advocating for the mass genocide of migrants with gunships. But even a hospital transfer from Scotland to England was too much for her. I’m not sure where she plans to draw the line, but keeping people in at least the same counties they were born in seems a sensible Hopkins-esque approach. So next time you take a holiday to Cornwall, expect the locals to abuse you in the street and accuse you of stealing all the pasties.

I’m not sure where she plans to draw the line, but keeping people in at least
the same counties they were born in seems a sensible Hopkins-esque approach.

However, at least the ancient British class divide would be somewhat altered. I was brought up to believe that class was about manners, self restraint and grace. I was certainly under the false impression that to have class at least entailed engaging your intellectual capacities before opening your mouth. Luckily, Hopkins enlightened me to the fact that to be classy is to verbally abuse anybody you dislike like some kind of corporate reincarnation of Vicky Pollard. In Katie land, having a lack of filter between brain and mouth is considered ‘sincere’ and ‘honest’. And there was my mum telling me it meant you hadn’t been taught the difference between right and wrong! If you don’t have anything nice to say, you make a lot of money; take that, Thumper.

So there you have it, a world made for children and leprechauns where being a guest on Jeremy Kyle is the province of the very wealthy, undereducated toffs compete to be the least socially aware and your grandma wanders half dressed down the high street trying to find her way home as armed helicopters circle overhead, making sure nobody visits Sussex without a visa. And presiding over it all, Hopkins, a vision of societal perfection watching uncaringly as we fight like animals over the last remaining shreds of humanity. Personally, I can’t wait. #katierules

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