by Mike Vinti
On May the 7th our fair isles will take to the polls. Across this (hopefully) green and pleasant land, the great multi-headed beasts, known to our political class as hard-working families, will be herded into schools and council buildings to cast their vote. It’s going to be, without a doubt, the most anti-climactic, and longest, election of our times. And what’s worse, E4 won’t be on all day.
But there’s good news guys! Jay Z’s new streaming service, Tidal, and your corporate Media overlords have teamed up to bring you a brand spanking new, musical, multi format, interactive #Election2k15!
To a soundtrack of thundering synthetic drums and the beeps of Britain’s metaphorical life support machine, the great shamans of the BBC, Channel 4, ITV and *whisper it* Sky, will debate, debunk and defibrillate #Election2k15: Now That’s What I Call Democracy.
Election night coverage features hits from your favourite political stars, including: Russell Brand’s ‘What Difference Does it Make?’ David Cameron’s ‘Blue (Da Ba Dee)’, George Osbourne’s ‘Money’ and Natalie Bennett’s magnum opus ‘4:33’.
For full post-election fun make sure you follow Sky’s coverage, where Mumford & Sons will be live in the studio, performing their new album, on repeat, without interruption, until the new government is announced. Yeah!
The fun doesn’t stop there though, oh no. On May the 8th make sure you tune into BBC Three for edge-of-your-seat action as Stacey Dooley chairs the one TV debate that really matters; the #Millifandom taking on the #Cameronettes, head to head in the Youtube comments section.
Days of intense speculation and deal making follow, will it be Ed, will it be Dave? It won’t be anyone else. Can it be neither? Either way, there’s going to be so many dudes in the cabinet, parliament couldn’t be more hung!
The coalition-building process could take weeks, and you can be sure the rolling news channels will cover every gaffe, false lead and broken promise in their attempt to predict who will make up the new government. Also, Mumford & Sons!
Meanwhile, over on ITV, Nick Clegg will be auto-tuned in real time by a four year old with an iPad, while on Channel 4 Jon Snow forces Natalie Bennett to debate the Green’s policy of Cannabis legalisation, at a Snoop Dogg concert. Youth!
May the 20th now and still no sign of a government forming #Drama. Mumford & Sons are taking turns to play the album one at a time in a bid to help pay down the deficit, reports say living standards are rising as a result. Farage and his band of calypso players from Kent roam the country, filling the power vacuum with racist Afro-Caribbean beats, free from the oppressive constraints of actually having to get people to vote for UKIP. It’s a euro-sceptic party!
But what’s this? A rival gang of Marxist drummers coming the other way from Walthamstow?! That can mean only one thing! *dramatic fanfare* It’s the Tidal TM Ideological Drum-off Show! Where politically motivated drum troops from around the UK compete, for some reason….
Have they formed a government yet? No? Ok…. On with the show!